Look what's REALLY happened to Rosemary's Baby!
by Vainglory 2KW8O
Summary: This takes place after the ending to Rosemary's Baby. Since the made-for-TV sequel was really bad: I made a better fanfiction sequel and just in time for Halloween! If Roman Polanski read this story: I hope this would do him proud!
1. Chapter 1

Rosemary's hand rocked the cradle in which Adrian, the son of Satan, rested. His blue fur, lion-like face, and unicorn horn unsettled her at first but her maternal instinct overtook her horror. Funny, this little one really did have a face only a mother could love. He might have been an abominable demon and taking care of him would surely sentence her to eternal damnation but he was still Rosemary's Baby.

"Hey, everybody, Satan's here!" Dr. Sapirstein shouted. The tenants of Bramford all stood at attention and raised their hands, forming them into downwards pointing triangles with their thumbs and forefingers. An imposing figure that was the spitting image of Rosemary's son but with a broken horn on his forehead, a beard, braids, and a costume that looked a bit like an Aztec High Priest's or Ancient Hawaiian tribal shaman's walked into the room, startling Rosemary and making her yelp in surprise as she picked up her baby and held it close to her chest, making her body a protective shell against Satan's advances.

"HAIL SATAN!" the tenants shouted.

"Please, please, everybody, just chill out." Satan said in a surprisingly normal voice. Rosemary expected him to speak with a lot more reverb. "Now that my baby has been delivered: I think it's time for me to explain a few things. First of all, I'm not actually Satan. My real name is Kimahri."

"Huh?" Guy Woodhouse, Rosemary's husband, ejaculated.

"I said my name was Kimahri!"

"I know what you said. I just don't know what all this is about. Are you a different kind of demon, or what?"

"Look, man, I'm not a demon at all. I'm a Ronso. I mean, I guess you could say that I'm an alien because I landed here about 10 years ago on my ship after I volunteered to become a cosmonaut for the newly established Shinra corporation on my home world of Spira. You see, I was traveling through space to find a source of Mako energy; which is the supernatural lifeblood of a planet. I came here on Earth to conduct a survey but my spacecraft crapped out on me, I think the engine's flooded, and the only thing small and intelligent enough to crawl into the engine compartment of my spaceship is a Ronso baby. They can be quickly and easily trained to perform complicated tasks that a human baby just couldn't do."

"Okay," said Roman Castevet. "Then, where's your spaceship?"

"You know that thing on the roof that I had you disguise as a chicken coop and told you to stay out of?"

"You mean your personal Merkahbah? Isn't that the portal you use to travel from here to your kingdom in Hell?"

"No, man. That's my spaceship. I use it to survey planets that may be viable Mako deposits."

Rosemary interjected, "You're saying that you forced yourself on me so I could give birth to an alien baby that would fix your spaceship?! What kind of sick game is this!"

"Look, lady," said Kimahri, "I'm sorry I raped you but it was the only way I could make it back to my home planet!"

Rosemary raised her index finger and took a deep breath as though she were going to ramble at length but then her eyes darted from the right to the left and back again. She exhaled, her finger went limp, and her eyes were cast down.

"Okay," Kimahri said, "now are there any other questions?" There were none. Kimahri wasn't sure if everybody was really up to speed on the situation but he decided that everyone's silence was fine enough. "Good, I'm taking Adrian to the roof, anybody who wants to come along: follow me."

Kimahri picked his son up from the cradle and made his way to the stairwell. Rosemary, Guy, the Castevets, Dr. Sapirstein, Laura-Louise, the Japanese guy, and Anton LaVey (who just so happened to be there). Although they were bewildered by this strange revelation about their lord and master's true nature: they decdied to follow him anyway because they had never seen a UFO take off before and they might as well have seen something that fantastic so that the time they spent with Satanic rituals and waiting for Rosemary's bun in the oven to be born wouldn't be a complete waste. The rest went home to watch fortball (a/n: Fortball is a distinct sport from Football. It's like the game Ace of Spades except everybody uses dodgeballs and the use of firearms is reserved for the grand finals. This sport was first mentioned in my Nintendogs Fanfiction).

When they got to the roof: they found a truly alien shape, a little bigger than an elephant, covered in chicken wire. Kimahri pointed to it, "Well, there she is, my ship!". It was designed entirely with obtuse angles and did not appear at all to be aerodynamic.

"Everybody get on board. We're going on a trip," Kimahri announced as he used his remote to open the doors.

"Hey, woah, woah, woah!" Roman Castevet said. "I thought you said the engine was flooded!"

"That's what the baby was for," everybody got inside and Kimahri took Adrian and went over the basics of the English language and gymnastics with him and then he explained everything he needed to know about fixing the UFO's engine including how to navigate through the air ducts and how he needed to do cartwheels and a somersault to avoid the ship's on-board laser defense system, and then he taught him how to change the oil and spark plugs in the engine. It only took ten minutes to go over everything he needed to know, Kimahri gave him the tool kit, and Adrian went to work. Adrian crawled into an air vent and disappeared. Five minutes later, the UFO came to life and its computers and monitors were lit like the skyline of New York City. Adrian then crawled out of a different air vent and clung to Rosemary.

"I fixed the ship, mommy!" said Adrian.

"I'm so proud of you, son." said Rosemary.

"Okay, everybody, fasten your seatbelts: we're on a non-stop flight to Spira!" Kimahri proclaimed. There was only one seat on the ship, the captain's chair, and no means to restrain themselves but, as the UFO took off, it became apparent that seatbelts were unnecessary as the ship took off vertically. Exiting the atmosphere turned out to be a more gentle affair than anybody could have expected.

"Skalabinga, we are off!" Kimahri exclaimed as he punched a big blue button with a label written in an alien syllabary beneath it. The ship entered a tunnel of white light. "Okay, it's going to take about thirty minutes to make it to Spira. You guys want to kill time by getting a round of Scrabble in?" Rosemary, Roman, and Anton LaVey expressed their eagerness to play and they spent the rest of their time in hyperspace playing the game, using it to teach Adrian more words. Adrian was a fluent English by the time they left hyperspace and encountered the new world of Spira. The alien planet was almost entirely covered by ocean with only a few continents, the largest among them only a fraction of the size of Australia, being visible.

"Golly, that's a lot of water!" said Laura-Louise

"Yes, 90% of the surface of Spira is covered in Ocean." Kimahri said as he played tour guide, "The indigenous peoples of each of those continents and several of the larger islands invented submarines and SONAR equipment beyond the technological threshold of either the United States or the Soviet Union before they even made contact with each other so we have the entirety of the ocean floor mapped out and every species of marine flora and fauna has been identified and extensively studied. When I left Spira: Shinra was halfway done with building the first underwater city; perhaps it's done or, heck, maybe they already have several underwater cities built! Anyway, I'm taking this baby to Bevelle, the capital of Spira. We will meet with Mr. Shinra on his skyscraper after we take this ship to my house."

As the ship drew towards Bevelle, Rosemary was awestruck at how unimaginably colorful the city was. The architects of St. Basil's Cathedral could have never thought of anything more fantastic than Bevelle with its elaborate neon signage, mutli-tired walkways, and architecture without angles. Kimahri took his UFO to a suburban neighborhood that was lush with gardens of unreal vegetation on the outskirts of that metropolis and landed it on the roof of a gaudily decorated house.

"Here we are, home sweet home, I sure hope the wife isn't here." said Kimahri.

"I'm afraid she is." a voice said coldly over the intercom.

"Oh, hi honey, I'm back from my survey."

"You never wrote. You never called. What's with you, Kimahri?"

"Look, Lulu, I had a bit of engine trouble and it was a bitch to fix. Plus, I was on the other side of the galaxy so radio signals would have taken hundreds of years to reach you anyway so cut me some slack, okay?"

"Just get down here."

The intercom crackered out and Kimahri turned to his guests to explain a few things. "That was my wife, Lulu. We have a teenaged son named Vidina; oh, by the way Adrian: you kind of have a brother even though you're not related by blood at all to him. Anyway, Vidina is not my kid, he's from a previous marriage and the father is from an old buddy of mine named Wakka. Lulu divorced him after he broke his neck during a tragic blitzball accident that left him paralyzed from the neck down and he couldn't bring in any money from his career as a professional sportsman."

"Wait a second, Blitzball?" Guy felt the need to inquire about this sport, "is that anything like Fortball?"

"No, actually, it's a lot more like Rugby except, instead of a grass field, it takes place in a giant orb of water."

"But won't people drown if they play it?" asked Minnie Castevet.

"Nah, professional Blitzball players have a huge lung capacity that allows them to stay underwater for hours. In fact, people who descend from a long line of professional Blitzball players are actually starting to evolve bigger lungs than other people that allows them to levitate in the air for a few seconds!"

Kimahri pressed a button that opened up the UFO. "Anyway, I better introduce you to my family. Come along, guys."

Everybody filed out made their way down to the living room. Little did they know: they were all in for a little adventure.


	2. Chapter 2

"My, my, my, look what the Chocobo dragged in." said a comely woman with her hair done in the style of a geisha and donning a fur-trimmed dress that exposed her ample cleavage and a long skirt made entirely of belts that showed a bit of her garters.

"Hey, Dad," said a boy wearing what looked like random scraps of purple plastic loosely stapled together.

After a brief moment, their faces twitched into smiles and tears filled their eyes as they both leapt at Kimahri to hug him.

"Lulu, Vidina, I'm so glad to see you again."

Rosemary was touched by this display of affection. She wished that Adrian would love her just as much.

Everyone else, however, was in culture shock of the native Spirans' fashion sense.

"Good Satan, you all look like prostitutes in a Taiwanese landfill!" shouted Minne Castavets.

Lulu's face scrunched from happiness to one of anger.

"Hey, and I just realized something," said Anthony LaVey, "you're human beings! I was expecting you guys to be aliens like Kimahri!"

"Hey, Kimahri, who are these people?" said Lulu contemptously.

Kimahri introduced each of the tenants of Bramford to his family. He had trouble remembering the Japanese guy's name and the man was too offended and embarrassed to tell them what his name actually was so everybody continued to call him 'Japanese Guy' until they realized that it felt kind of weird to call him that when they already had a guy named 'Guy' with them so they opted to call him 'Japanese Person'.

Eventually, Kimahri got to the son he sired on Earth, "And this is my new son, Adrian. This is his mother, Rosemary, and-"

"YOU HAD A SON WHILE YOU WERE GONE?! YOU UNBELIEVABLE SON OF A SHOOPUF!" Lulu's hand crackled with electricity as she prepared to cast Thundaga on Rosemary and her son. Rosemary screamed and dropped to the floor, shielding Adrian from the woman's wrath.

"Calm down, dear!" Kimahri shouted frantically to get Lulu to calm down, "I needed to impregnate a human so she could bear a child that could fix my ship! There was no other way I was going to get back to Spira!"

"PLEASE LISTEN TO HIM!" Rosemary spoke in rapid desperation, "I THOUGHT HE WAS THE DEVIL AND I HAD TO GO THROUGH A LOT OF STRESS WHILE I WAS PREGNANT WITH ADRIAN! I WAS DRUGGED AS PART OF A SATANIC RITUAL WHEN HE IMPREGNATED ME, TOO! JUST, PLEASE, DON'T ELECTROCUTE ME!"

The lightning in Lulu's hand fizzled out, "Who are you, anyway?"

"My name is Rosemary," she said on the verge of tears, "it's very nice to meet you and all. I just wish we didn't have to meet like this."

Lulu's expression turned from anger to pity, "I'm sorry that I almost killed you." Lulu then turned her attention to Kimahri. "A satanic ritual, really?"

Kimahri explained, "It's not like I was going to be able to pick up chicks as a giant blue unicorn-lion, honey."

"And it took you ten years to impregnate a girl? What's wrong with you, you lazy sperm?"

"She wasn't the first girl I tried to knock up. Plus, I had to kill all of the previous candidates for my impregnation rites so they wouldn't go blabbering to other people about a giant blue demon trying to have sex with them and then the Earth Feds would have abducted me and I would have been spending the rest of my life in Area 51. You know how hard it is to kill someone and make it look like an accident? The mob makes it look easy! So just give me a break, okay?"

"Hey, I just thought of something," said Guy, "how did I get that part in the play if you don't have Satanic powers?"

"Well," Kimahri began, "I can, actually, use magic; blue magic, that is. It's different from youze guys' conception of magick but I used it to cast my last Blindga spell on that other guy. After that, there were no further tricks I had to use because you were already very talented. It's just that you were too much of a spineless nebbish to compete against anybody with talent comparable to yours."

When introductions were finished, Komahri spoke again, "Okay, now that that's out of the way, we should hurry over to Shinra's skyscraper and talk to him. Honey, could you please call ahead to Shinra, Inc?"

"You might want to wait until tomorrow, the parade for the 20th anniversary of the Eternal Calm just started and Shinra always gets a high volume of calls on this day." said Lulu.

"Rats!" shouted Kimahri, "That parade takes hours to get done and it's going to be a pain in the neck to get over there now. Oh, well. Come on guys, let's skidaddle on out of here, anyway."

Since Lulu didn't have a reason to call Shinra's headquarters anymore, she and Vivian decided to tag along with Kimahri and the Bramford tenants. They stepped out the door of Khimari's house and took in the vivid splendor of the elaborate, artistic landscaping of the surrounding suburbs and the lush vegetation that was carefully cultivated to coexist and compliment the houses that looked so far ahead of Rosemary's time but still had a sense of history subtly etched into them that gave them an 'old world' charm.

"Ah, Belleville, it's been so long since I've stepped foot outside my house and took in your delights!" Khimari said cornily.

"Great smokes! What the heck is that?!" Dr. Sapirstein shouted, terror filling his voice.

A huge, demonic-looking animal tied to a fencepost in a neighboring yard barked loudly at the bramford tenants.

"Oh, hush up, Ralph, I don't want to play!" Khimari shouted at the beast before turning to the others, "that's just my neighbor, Wantz', pet bandersnatch. That mutt keeps the town up at night with its incessant barking. The thing is, however, if you take good care of them: they can live about 60 years and don't start looking old until they're past 57 so they will always have the same energy they've had since they were immaculately conceived by the collective envy of their pyreflies while you get arthritis and osteoporosis and they will never stop looking for an opportunity to jump on you and pin you to the ground because they never realize that you're not 20 years old anymore. I almost want to go back to Earth again to get away from that damn thing."

"Honey," said Lulu, leaning in closer to him so he could hear her more clearly, "that's not Ralph. Wantz got a new bandersnatch named Don. Actually, that's the fourth new one he's bought since you left. One night, I got completely fed up with Ralph's barking so I killed it with my Blizzaga spell, making sure to cast it during an actual blizzard to keep suspicion off of me. I felt bad when Wantz found that his dog died because he was quite distraught and kept bursting into tears for a good month. But then he just bought a new bandersnatch that had an even worse bark so I killed that one about a year later and he did the exact same thing and this kept going on and on up until now."

"That's kind of a bitchy thing to do." said Rosemary.

"Yeah, well, you'd understand if you had to put up with it for this long," said Lulu.

Guy decided to pipe in, "So why haven't you killed that dog yet? This Wantz fellow doesn't seem to be around right now, right?"

"I would," Lulu said, "but what would that solve? He'd just buy another bandersnatch and things wouldn't change."

"Might I make a suggestion?" Roman Castevet said, "why not burn his house down after you kill his dog again, that should surely give him the message that you don't tolerate pets who make a public nuisance."

"Hmm," Lulu pondered this for a moment, "perhaps you're right. I could cast a Firaga spell right now; it's probably the only way he'll get the message. Okay, here goes nothing."

"Ah, before you do that," said Minnie, "doesn't your child also know magic? He ought to help you here."

"Of course," Lulu exclaimed, "an opportunity for him to demonstrate what I taught him! Okay, Vinnie, help your mom out by casting a Fira spell on Mr. Wantz' bandersnatch, just like I taught you."

"Okay," said Vivian as his hand crackled with fire like a sparkler from Hell.

Lulu's own hand was then engulfed in flame and dwarfed her son's power in sheer intensity by tenfold. Rosemary could feel the convection coming from this witch's hand.

"FIRA!" Vinnie yelled, his voice cracking, as he awkwardly waved his hand and the fearsome bandersnatch spontaneously combusted, keeling over and disintegrating into a pile of fine ash.

"FIRAGA!" Lulu shouted with a voice that was experienced and authoritative and raised her hand to the sky in a commanding gesture. A towering conflagration arose from Wantz' house but it was followed by an explosion that intensified it a hundredfold into a plume of fire that rose to the height of the Chrysler Building. Thankfully, however, it did not creep beyond the foundation of Wantz' house so everybody else's houses and yards were okay.

"Look, Mommy, a terrifying inferno the likes of which God has never seen!" said Adrian.

Rosemary screamed and shielded Adrian's eyes from the frightening scene, "Oh my God! Somebody call the Fire Department!"

"I am the Fire Department!" Lulu shouted as her hand dripped with water as though it had Bartholin's glands in it and was getting ready to give the greatest hand job of all time, "WATERGA! WATERGA! GAMERGA! WATERGA!"

And four gigantic orbs of water splashed upon the plume of fire coming from the remains of Wantz house. They briefly seemed to quell the fire only for the gigantic plume of fire to rise again.

"Holy Satan!" exclaimed Anton LaVey, "why didn't the fires get extinguished?!"

"Of course!" Lulu shouted, bonking her own head with the palm of her heel, "I completely forgot that you don't fight fire with water: you fight fire with ice because they're elementarily opposed to each other!"

Lulu cleared her throat and took a deep gasp into her diaphragm. She threw her hand up in the air, the force of this gesture making her breasts bounce and the purple pearl necklace she wore jumped like an acrobat jumping on a trampoline as a result of the physical domino effect that the motion of her boobs made. She spoke her incantations in a voice that made Rosemary quiver in awe:

"BLIZZAGA BLIZZAGA BLIZZAGA BLAZINGA!"

And four balls of ice spontaneously formed on the remains of the house, rendering the threat completely moot. Khimari took the opportunity to shut off Wantz' gas valves and the propane peril was no more.

"Quickly!" said Anton LaVey, "better get rid of that ice before Wantz comes back."

"I'm already on it," said Lulu, "FIRE! FIRE! FIRE!"

And three bursts of fire appeared to melt three of the ice caps while the fourth one melted because of the convection from the other fire spells and also it was a pretty sultry day. However, The ice caps melted into puddles of water that flooded what was left of Wantz' basement so she used a thundara spell to disintegrate the water. There was no longer any incriminating evidence left that this house fell victim to an act of arson.

"We should get out of here before Wantz arrives!" said Guy.

"Good thinking," said Khimari, "come on, we ought to get over to Shinra's office before it's lunchtime!"

But then Wantz showed up wearing yellow overalls without a shirt, "OH MY GOD! WHAT HAPPENED TO MY HOUSE?!"

"Wantz, you left your oven on again. I had to extinguish it for you. I'm sorry to say Don is gone as well." said Lulu.

Wantz bellyflopped onto the pavement and blubbered inarticulately, mourning the loss of his bandersnatch.

Rosemary walked up to Wantz and lay her hand on his shoulder, "I'm sorry, Mr. Wantz, we did what we could." knowing that she had to lie to avoid getting herself and her acquaintances thrown in prison and her son taken by the planet's child protection services gnawed at her heart like a toothless cheetah gnawing at a chunk of a springbok's liver before she even opened her mouth. She didn't ask to be impregnated by an alien that she hallucinated as a demon, nor did she ask to be taken to a strange planet (except that she did but she had nothing better to do, so whatever), and she didn't ask to witness this poor man break down at the sight of his house disappearing; she was hoping to be long gone before he even showed up.

"Well, whatever, let's go anyway." said Roman.

And so they left on their merry way to Shinra's office. They had a vague idea of knowing that there was a parade going on in Bevelle's downtown area but they had no idea how bad it was going to be.


End file.
